I’ve been thinking more about listening in the last couple years. I want to be a better listener. Honestly, I’m finding it a hard thing to learn. I’d like to think I’ve made improvements, but well, I’m not sure I have.
Some people think listening is hearing. It’s not. Good listening is a deep practice. If done well, the person feels heard. That’s so important.
Have you ever had someone hear what you’ve said but they’re not looking at you or don’t respond to you? When you ask them what you said, they can regurgitate the words, but you feel unfulfilled in the interaction and unheard? I know how it feels not to feel heard. It hurts. It impacts the relationship too. Usually not for the better.
One of my mentors asked the question, “are we listening to understand or respond?” Wow. That’s totally different. If I’m listening to respond I may interrupt you. I might miss what you are saying because I’m formulating my response in my head. I am just waiting until you’re done talking so I can speak.
In listening to understand, I’m going to ask more questions. I’m going to be quieter. I’m going to let there be a pause when you’ve finished a sentence. I’m going to be 100% focused on you. Is there something they’re not saying? What’s under the surface? What’s their body language saying?
I’m practicing this. I am by no way an expert. I’m just wanting to grow in it. Actually, the place I’m at is awareness. I’m not even sure I’ve grown. I’m just aware that I listen to respond more than listen to understand.
Another aspect of listening is judging while listening. If you disagree with them, are you really listening if you’re just waiting to make your next point… to help them see YOUR point of view? I mean, you’re right – obviously – it’s your job to help them see it. Right? Instead of listening, we might be focused on trying to be heard ourselves.
In my business I have an acronym for my organizing process: LIBERATE. L is for listen. It’s where I start. I need to listen to what my clients want and need out of the process and for each space, then I can help them with their intentions. It’s critical to the whole process. I have to start with listening and learning.
What if our goal in listening was to be curious? Is part of good listening asking questions? I ask my clients a lot of questions. It’s their stuff, it’s their choices. Oftentimes clutter is indecision. People either don’t want to decide or don’t know how to. Sometimes I ask questions because I want my clients to come to the conclusion I think is best. (Just being honest.) This is not what I want to do. I want to ask questions to help them make a decision they feel good about.
I once had dinner with my daughter that really highlighted this for me. She was having some struggles with friends. We spent the whole dinner talking about these. Mostly I just asked questions and affirmed her feelings. Later she commented on how great our time was. I hadn’t talked about me at all. But she felt better because she felt heard. I didn’t try to fix her problems (God help me – I insert my advice all too often with my children). I was happy she enjoyed our time together.
I work with a lot of couples. Shockingly they are not on the same page about their space, how they want it used, or maintained. This provides a challenge. Ideally, I’d like them to have a discussion and come up with some creative, compromising solutions, however that’s not how it goes too often. Relational stress only adds to the clutter stress they already feel.
In a world where people are quick to give their opinions, especially on social media, would it be valuable to check in with ourselves and our listening intentions? Where can we improve? How can we become more aware of our interactions with others and how it’s impacting our relationships?
I would be remiss if I didn’t also mention the person we most often listen to the least. Ourselves. This might be your body – your ankle hurts but you went and ran 3 miles anyway. It could be you got invited out to an event you don’t want to attend, but you said yes and think you “have” to go. You’re not really listening to you very well. When we don’t listen to ourselves, we can’t show up for others with our authentic self and with our needs met.
If you’re like me and want to improve your listening – it’s a skill we can grow in after all -here are some possible next steps:
- Be vulnerable. Tell your peeps that you’re working on this. Ask for their feedback. Ask them to notice and call you out if you’re cutting them off, doing other things while they’re talking, or clearly just waiting for them to take a breath before interjecting your thoughts. Choose safe people. Not everyone is gentle.
- This may seem obvious but, ya know. Look the person in the eyes more. Don’t be on your phone, watching tv, etc. Don’t just respond with “mmhhmm”. (Pet peeve for me)
- Use your imagination. When having a conversation, imagine you put on a reporter hat. Be curious and engaged. Ask open-ended questions to draw more out of them and have them think deeper. Notice they’re body language – is it saying the same thing as their words.
- Clarify. Reiterate what they’ve said in your own words and ask if you have it right.
- Practice listening to the voice inside that is giving you good information about your life, your job, your clutter, your relationships…and you’re ignoring it. Make some room for that voice too. Just a little at first.
- Focus on awareness. We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. This is a great place to start.
See if anything starts to change in your relationships. Are they more intimate? Do friends and family start to reach out to you more? Do you feel more connected to them?
Remember, it’s a journey. It takes a caterpillar about 2 weeks to become a butterfly. Transformation doesn’t happen overnight. If we’re practicing this to show up better in our relationships, that should include the relationship with yourself. Be nice to yourself.
